The Point of Parenting
A few months ago, a dear friend of mine asked if I had a philosophy of parenting. What is your job as a parent? What are you trying to do for your kids?
The answer I gave her felt so right that I wrote it down. Since then I’ve come back to it often and it has become a more conscious part of my parenting. Here it is. My job in parenting my children is to cultivate their inner monologue.
By inner monologue I mean the collection of narratives accumulated over time that surface in the mind in response to the world, forming a stream of perceptions and reactions, which influence one’s behavior.
Consider how “cultivate their inner monologue” compares to some other popular parenting goals. My job in parenting my children is to…
- teach them right from wrong
- make them into an independent adult
- help them become kind / resilient / curious / other preferred virtue
- give them the opportunities I never had
- guide them to becoming a good Jew / Christian / Muslim / other
- get them into Harvard / Juilliard / the Olympics / other achievement
- help them follow their dreams
- let them become their authentic selves
These examples represent a broad range of world views and value sets. But whether a parent’s goal focuses on the child’s character, behavior, achievements, or aspirations, the underlying process of getting there is actually the same. How your child moves through the world is shaped by their thoughts and feelings, which are shaped by the narratives in their inner monologue. The framing of cultivating the inner monologue is independent of what the parent’s particular goals are for their child, pointing not to a what but a how.
So whatever your particular goals are as a parent, here are some examples on how to observe, model, and reshape internal monologues.
Observe
We never get a clear view into another person’s inner monologue, but we can see glimpses of it through the way they react to situations. And this is especially true with preschoolers, who are pretty unfiltered. Their little monologues are so impressionable that phrases often come back verbatim.
Here are a few examples of things my preschool-age kids have said where I saw intentional narratives that they had integrated into their monologue:
Context: Kid wets his pants
Reaction: “It’s ok. It’s just an accident. I’m still learning.”
Parental narrative cultivated: Growth mindset
Context: Kid with allergies gets offered ice cream
Reaction: “No thanks. I eat what’s good for me”
Parental narrative cultivated: Responsibility and positive framing (what I do, not what I can’t) regarding food restrictions
Context: I encouraged a kid to do a chore after he already said no
Reaction: “I said no. When someone says no, you have to respect them”
Parental narrative cultivated: Consent. (Though clearly I still need to figure out how to get him to do his chores 🙃)
Model
I frequently think about these inner monologues when a kid has done something wrong. While it can be tempting to come down hard (and when I’m at my wit’s end, I sometimes do), that kind of reaction doesn’t cultivate the narratives I want my kids to have about themselves. Here are some narratives I want to avoid teaching
- I am bad
- I should feel intense shame or guilt
- I should respond to a negative situation by yelling
Alternate narratives that I’d much rather teach are
- I am a good person who sometimes makes mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes
- I feel bad about what I did and that reminds me to figure out how to make it better
- I can respond to a negative situation with empathy, curiosity, humor, compassion, and resourcefulness to get back on track
My reaction models my own narratives, which are what my kid is likely to absorb. Acting in a way that cultivates those internal narratives seems more effective at raising the kind of human I want to raise than addressing the situation in a way that communicates anything else. (While I’ve gotten pretty good at responding positively to mistakes, I have yet to figure out good narratives for impish defiance 😈. If you have any advice on that, I’m all ears.)
Reshape
In addition to modeling behavior, another way I work on cultivating my kids’ inner monologue is through role playing. We act out a scenario that has been causing stress or worry. In play, when the narratives belong to a character rather than to the self, it feels easier to experiment. I can hear my kid’s narratives through what he projects on to his character. Then I can cultivate through affirming certain narratives and offering alternatives to others. This narrative play is one of my favorite kinds of parenting.
This kind of parenting also invites observing and reshaping ones own internal narratives. As my kids get older, I hope to cultivate a narrative around embracing the meta-work too.
If you have a different parenting mantra that resonates with you, I’d love to hear it.
