“That’s not for me”

One conversation I’ve started having with my inner monologue

There’s a phrase I’ve become more aware of which floats through my head pretty often: “That’s not for me.” Football? That’s not for me. Burning Man? That’s not for me. Crypto? That’s not for me. It means, “I’m not the kind of person who would like or do that.” The thought makes me check out and move on.

I can see the upside of this mental process. It helps prioritize the things I care about learning and doing. Generative AI? Accessibility? Introspection? Building habits? Yoga? “Yup, that’s for me.” When I hear the positive form, I engage and go deeper.

But there’s also a downside. “That’s not for me” can make me miss out on opportunities to broaden as a person, connect with others, and be open to new opportunities.

I started really paying attention to this voice last year when I started dabbling with playing guitar. Throughout my childhood, my hobby was ballet. Ballet? Yup, that’s for me. Playing music? That’s not for me. One source of this distinction was that my mother had played violin for years, so I saw music as her thing, not mine (even though she supported me playing music as much as I was interested). A larger source of this distinction was the arts high school I attended, which had majors for different arts disciplines. I was a ballet major, not a music major. Especially because we were all training intensely, there wasn’t much time to be or do something else.

So when I decided to take on the goal of learning to play guitar, it wasn’t just about playing guitar. It was also about playing with expanding my identity. Playing music? Maybe that is for me.

Of course I had added to my that’s-for-me list many times before: I picked up generative AI in 2022, meditation and habit tracking in 2021, blogging in 2020, accessibility in 2016, cycling in 2014, and plenty of others. And many times I have also loosened my attachment (a painful process) to areas that were claiming undue exclusivity, to make space for broadening my identity. But something about picking up guitar in late 2023 enabled me to hear this mental process more distinctly than before. I had the mental distance to choose how to engage with this voice intentionally.

So now I can converse with this voice to open up new possibilities:

That’s not for me.

Could it be for me? What’s something I could learn or try to give myself more information to draw this conclusion? Is there anyone I admire who would say, “yup, that is for me” about this? If it’s not for me now, might it be for me in the future?

Plenty of times I still conclude “That’s not for me — at least for now” so I can stay focused on my priorities and true to myself. But now I’m not believing the voice reflexively; I’m noticing it and responding intentionally.

What’s one thing you might consider adding to your that’s-for-me list? What’s one thing you’d recommend I consider adding to mine?