Don’t tell me your cake is “safe” for my kid

For people who aren’t so familiar with food allergies, it’s easy to assume that foods fall into two categories: Unsafe and Safe.

Like you could just tell me which one it is

Friends, family, servers, and birthday party hosts may tell me— with the best of intentions — which category a food is in. Unfortunately it’s not so simple. In between Unsafe and Safe is a huge grey zone. Rather than two categories, we have a risk spectrum.

Risk spectrum

There’s the big grey zone in the middle

When you see food, you might think, “Am I hungry? Does this look good to me?” I think, essentially, “Where does it fall on the risk spectrum?” By the way, the mental risk spectrum is different for each allergen I track, for myself and for my kids. Nuts are typically declared, potato starch could be hidden anywhere, people forget that mayonnaise has egg, etc. All this context influences the spectrum.

If you’re not experienced with allergies, I don’t expect you to know where something might fall on the spectrum. What I appreciate is just for you to give me the information that you know about the food (original packaging, how you prepared the dish, any potential cross contact) and a moment to make my decision.

But estimating where a food falls on the risk spectrum isn’t enough. I also think about two more dimensions to make the decision about whether to take a bite or offer some to my kids. These are things you don’t know that are essential in making food decisions. The dimensions are 1) reaction severity and 2) life consequences.

Reaction severity

This is more than just how extreme the reaction is, but also when and how the reaction presents. Is the kind of allergen that is likely to be present one where taking a small bite would cause a mild reaction right away, so we could know to stop and recover pretty quickly? Or the kind of allergen where even trace exposure is life-threatening? Or the kind with a delayed reaction where there aren’t any symptoms for hours, so there’s no clue to stop eating, and then later the reaction is miserable?

The good news is that you don’t need to know these medical details, because you’re giving me the information you know about the food and I am making the decision. While you may find my medical details interesting, no, I don’t want this to be the topic of conversation at every event that involves food, thanks.

This is especially important when it comes to my kids. Ask them what birthday decorations they like, not how sick they would get if they ate the cake. This isn’t the doctor’s office. They’re here to have fun just like everyone else.

Life consequences

Here are some of the life consequence questions that flip through my brain in the seconds I have as you’re waiting for me to place my order or fill my plate at the buffet

• How far are we from the nearest hospital? Do I have a good way of getting there?
• How much would it mess with our schedule if I had to spend the next 6 hours with my kid in the ER? Or if I’m the one eating, if I have too much brain fog to do anything productive tomorrow?
• How long has it been since my kid needed a course of steroids? (Steroids can be necessary to treat anaphylaxis, but steroids too often can stunt growth.)
• How much will my kid feel like he’s missing out if I say no?
• How much do I actually want my kid eating this food? (If it’s covered in blue frosting, I’ll probably to say no regardless.) This last one can be a silver lining. ;)

So that’s the phase space: risk x severity x life. I scan that space and make a judgment dozens of times a day. Don’t feel bad — I’ve gotten used to it, just like anyone does with whatever is their normal.

Luckily, most of the people in my life are educated and conscientious about food allergies. (Where we live, most playgrounds now have signs reminding people about allergies, requesting that families eat at a designated eating area and wipe hands before touching the play equipment. It’s amazing!)

But I know that other folks are unfamiliar with these sorts of calculations. If that’s you, I’m happy that food is so good to you! Genuinely! If we’re in a food space together, just tell me what you know about the food and give me the time and agency to make the judment for myself. Thanks!